"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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