Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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