I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
What drink are we having for lunch?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
