So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
