I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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