Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
