Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
