I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
