I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize