i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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