Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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