T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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