My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
