Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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