It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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