The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Come share oat with me in your robe
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
