I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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