So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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