Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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