please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
