It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
