Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
