I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
