she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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