Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
