my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
