So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
