even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
