My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
