So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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