somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
honey bunches of taint.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize