Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
