she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
