I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
