I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
