i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
