im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
