I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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