so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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