I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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