I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
