You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
