Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
