i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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