you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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