You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
