I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
