if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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