at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
