Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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