what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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