Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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