Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
