I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
