3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
