I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
