i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
