some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
