Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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