on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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