You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
