Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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