Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
