Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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