i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
