I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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